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Writer's pictureHannah Parrett

The sliding axis of respect and fear.

More semantics!

Although fear and respect live along the same sliding axis of relationship dyads, there are a few principles that are important, and there is a fundamental difference between relationships that are based on respect and those that are based on fear.

On a sensible, human level, my son (who is twelve, yet very wise), when asked what he thought the differences between fear and respect are said this:

“If you fear someone, you do what they say because you’re afraid of what they might do to you, but if you respect someone, you do what they ask because you have a valuable relationship with them, which you wish to preserve.”

Insightful I thought.


When it comes to fear, a headmaster we decided (our's is a man), should probably be feared, because it’s not possible for him to form important relationships with upwards of a thousand children. But his respect will be earned if he wields that slightly nervous attitude the children have towards him with respect himself, never abuses his position and doesn’t throw his weight around. He also needs to listen to those who are in his care and act accordingly, dealing with issues that are raised and ensuring everyone is as contented as possible within reason.

He also commands a position of huge responsibility, and if he was doing a bad job, or not commanding respect as opposed to earning it (he ultimately does both over time), his pupils and staff would quickly lose respect for him and his position would be undermined and ultimately untenable.

That is precisely the line we as custodians of another species need to walk. We need to lead the dance and direct or control the feet, and ensure we are respected as our decisions are what will keep them and us safe in human society.

If we go through respect, on into fear, as a handler, that is, if the animal is afraid of US and not the situation we put them in (which comes down to an issue of trust in the handler), we have an issue. They will tend to react instead of responding, and will revert to innate reactions (the horse will bolt, the dog will bite, both will try to run away if possible).

So we have to at first command and then ensure we earn and maintain, respect. Without respect we will have no attention, without which, there’s no point in us being present.

Young animals defer very, very readily to older, wiser animals with obvious tenure in their environment due to their obvious, total lack of education and competence, and complete reliance. Older animals may take a little convincing. Particularly those who have learned self reliance within human society.

Dependance and reliance are interesting terms. Separation anxiety arises from a lack of independence and a total reliance on proximity to the human. What we need to teach the anxious dog, is what to do without us......self reliance.



Maybe respect and fear shouldn’t be considered as standalone terms because they should be used in the messy entanglement of life alongside trust, respect and dignity. Without which, what's the point of anything!


It’s also possible to respect a person or an animal because they do amazing things. That's a different kind of respect. Professional respect is garnered when certain levels of achievement are reached. Sporting respect is garnered in the same way. Bravery is often respected above all else, as is achievement in the face of adversity. But what about respect we have for animals because of what they can can do? Horses and dogs are incredible athletes all and we love to watch them using themselves to the pinnacle (but hopefully not beyond!) of their ability.


Perhaps if we are talking about our relationship with animals whom we are supposed to be guiding through human society, respect is not as good a term as deference and cooperation. But it's hard to think about cooperation without thinking about respect. Perhaps the feel we attach to the word respect should be more.....respectful? I suppose at its root, the respect I'm feeling for the animals in my care comes from empathy, with a spattering of awe at their ability and a hope that they want to come and play with me and communicate with me, and that the horses continue to live a life of freedom in a large area and yet still choose to show up in a long line to patiently wait their turn in the riding arena. It's great feedback for the commentary on my skills as a rider/trainer - if they don't show up the next day, I ballsed up yesterday and need to do better.

This year I hope to test the limits of that by adding competitive riding to the things that we do together. Perhaps it will be harder to maintain their desire to interact with me if I ask them to work harder, or perhaps they will maintain they're respect for me for working harder to ensure they are happy in their work as well as going out to competitions.

It's for sure easier to just tell them to get on with it, of which there is an element involved, but I prefer to ensure they are as happy and as engaged with the process as possible in part to test my abilities as a trainer, in part to ensure I have a happy relationship with them, enabling cooperation, and in great part to ensure they live long, happy lives and would be very functional for other people if I was to disappear.


I LOVE semantics. And philosophy :)


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